Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Amusing jokes on China

A demure modern Chinese lady wearing a knee length skirt to impress the fashion judges with her amicable, sweet look.

 Charming young lass called for a taxi from her home, using her house phone. "Good day, Ni Hau?" She politely accosted the cab driver. "I am staying at Zhong San road"
"What dress are you wearing?" The cab driver wanted to make sure he would pick up the right person. 
"Blue blouse and a white skirt...” came the prompt reply.
"Till where?" (到那裡?The taxi man meant 'where to?' )
"Till my knee..." (到膝蓋)

                              A small village hotel at the country side.
                                    This one is located in Cambodia.

A newly acquainted young couple went for an outing but missed the final train back to the city that they had to spend the night in a village hotel. 
"You must not cross this line in the middle of the double bed!" Said the girl assertively who then drew an imaginary line.
When she woke up in the morning, she found the guy was a real gentleman who kept his word by not crossing the imaginary line on the bed. Frustrated and furious, she slapped the young man and loudly cursed:
“You’re really worse than an animal!” (你真的比禽獸還不如!)

Pizza could be ordered for home delivery. How many pieces you want us to slice for you?

One nerdy person dropped by the local pizza outlet to buy his dinner.
The pizza store assistant was very attentive: “May I know how you want the pizza to be sliced? Into 8 or 12 pieces?”
“Just 8 will do” The customer hesitated: “I’m afraid 12 pieces will be too much for me.”

                        A youthful Mao Zedong's statue was erected in 
                                 Changsha, Hunan where he grew up.
                                        Statue of Mao at Lijiang, Yunnan.
Just like any other communist country where one single party rules, the leaders, past and present are idolized and remembered in large posters, monuments, and bronze statues permanently displayed at public places. Mao's no exception; his portrait hung at the entrance of the Imperial Palace is synonymous with Tienanmen Square.  North Korea's three generations of Kim  Kingdom 's legacy have done their part to remind its people of their  deeds to turn them to live in abject poverty and to suffer in starvation and eventual death. The people were inculcated repeatedly that their miseries  should be attributed to the confrontations they faced from the  rest of the world; particularly the US and Western powers.

Deng Xiaoping had been known for his undying spirit in turning China to become part of a modern world. For that matter, capitalism was okay as compared to despotic, totalitarian socialism (communism) so long a single political party still ruled. Disgraced three times as his thinking deviated away from Mao's outdated Stalinist principles but his perseverance saw him emerged as the winner; his leadership led China into a brave new world to become a strong, economic super power today. Deng died in 1997 at age 93. However Deng was also remembered for the part he played in suppressing  the massive protesters for democracy and human rights among the university students in June 4th 1989. The riot and military action took thousands of lives. It was known internationally as the June 4th Tienanmen Square Massacre. Though Deng was not exactly pinpointed as the "Black Hand-黑手" who ordered the killings, but he was still at the helm as party leader; so his reputation as a just, far sighted statesman had been tarnished.

With his last remaining breath at his death bed, Chairman Mao told acting Chief of People’s Politburo Deng Xiaoping to get closer as he had some instructions to delegate before he left for another world to meet Lenin, Stalin, Karl Marx. and good old comrade Zhou Enlai.
“Xiao Deng, I have this nagging feeling that some of the staunch party members of our Congress may not follow your path and style in administrating our beloved mother land. Remember you’re branded once as a Capitalist Roader!.”
“No fear” Deng was all confident that he had ways to re-assure the great Chairman before the long winded senior man had his last breath.
“How? You tell me!”
“For those chaps who refuse to follow me, I’ll make sure they follow you! To where you’re going!”

General Secretary of the Communist Party of China Hu JinTao paid a routine visit to Chairman Mao at his mausoleum, near Tiananmen Square. Hu opened up the lid of the crystal coffin where Mao had been lying there for the past 3 decades (Since 1976). Mao opened an eye and peeked at Hu: “What’s up, my son?”
Local tourists of Chinese origin queued for hours just to get a glimpse of Mao's corpse. They paid RMB 10 each for a bunch of plastic flowers to place on the floor surrounding the casket when they got to see Mao's embalmed body. The plastic flowers were then taken out for "recycle", to sell to those Mao worshipers in queue. 
Mao had been lucky; he was revered as the China's mass proletariat farmers' God. He had in fact let them down. A few hundred thousand of property and agricultural farm owners were executed right away with banners "Public Enemy-人民公敌" tied behind their heads for refusing to surrender their ancestral land and properties for sharing with party cadets, soldiers and  other landless farmers. This happened when Mao's troops took over China to begin their socialist rule in December 1949 after his arch-rival Generalissimo Chiang Kai Shek fled mainland for Taiwan.
During his reign between 1949 and 1976, it was reported that Mao's regime was responsible for 40 to 70 million deaths! (WWII saw 50 to 75 million fatalities.) The figures might have been  exaggerated, but it must be in tens of millions. Persecutions, tortures, summary executions, political purging,  public shaming, banishment to drastic weathered wilderness, long jail terms, suicides and starvation deaths during the Great Leap (1958-1961) and the Cultural Revolution  (1966-1976) turned China into turmoil and a disorderly nation. The general mass just followed what the leaders said, without using their normal intelligence and mind sense to judge what was right or wrong. They were a disoriented lot during that time. 

“Uncle Mao, we have plenty of problems and troubles that need to be addressed right away. Up in the sky, the notorious sand storms that hit Beijing won’t dispersed; the pollution on the ground has reached critical stage that wide areas of the nation are not fit for human dwelling; in the north we have great famine of severe drought with depletion of water storage for agriculture and for human consumption; in the south the winter came unusually early that created havoc to public transport system. Foreigners are laughing at us for disorganizing the torch bearing run for the upcoming Olympics games…..” “What else?” Mao interrupted impatiently. “Allow me to continue” Hu answered, catching his breath with a little bit of  stammer: “The Tibetan Lamas are inciting hatred among its people, corruptions among the provincial senior leaders have reached an epidemic high; our people are easily instigated  and won’t follow meekly on governmental instructions, and they’re prompt to riots. Lots of fake goods and food stuff flood the whole country; the stock exchanges of the leading provinces have all gone kaput and not projecting the correct picture of the share market; the autonomous special economic zones of Hong Kong and Macau are not heeding our central instructions; Taiwan blared blatantly that it’s already an independent state; other provincial heads do things the way the feudal lords did, calling their own tunes. The Imperialist United States of America is pressing us up to the wall for a show-down to see who’s having the better edge in military might!.........”

"Small matter, TaoTao. It’s all very simple and all things can be solved………” Mao continued with his almost inaudible voice, “You come in to replace me at my mausoleum here and I will get up and out……frightening the shit out of them - those hopelessly useless dissidents and hoodlums.”

 Alan CY Kok           

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